Chelsea’s Story

MY NAME IS CHELSEA.  I’M 25 YEARS OLD, AND I LIVE IN MINNESOTA.  I FIRST SAW A THERAPIST WHEN I WAS ABOUT 10 YEARS OLD, AND HAVE BEEN SEEING THEM ON AND OFF SINCE.

I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 20 years old.  When I first heard the diagnosis, I was confused because I had never heard of it. But, as it was explained to me, I felt relieved to hear a name put to these demons I'd been fighting for so many years, and to know I wasn't the only person in the history of time that had experienced them.

My family and friends were not very supportive of my diagnosis, and my family actually said very harsh things.  I want my family to understand that… I try my best, every... single... day. And while I may continue to struggle, this is my reality.  I still need their love and support, and will never stop appreciating it.  

The most helpful thing for my recovery has been believing in myself, taking care of myself, and growing my support system.  Since then, I’ve learned that if people can't accept me for who I am, then I don't need them in my life. I only have room for positivity and love in my life. There's absolutely nothing wrong with having a mental health diagnosis. Not dealing with one's issues or trauma, is the problem.

I finally started feeling better when  I made progress through all the therapy and learned skills to get through the day in DBT, etc. To have a therapist and support system that supports me on a daily basis, the skills to be able to effectively get myself through...to maintain balance, and not get into crisis can be very helpful.

The parts of BPD that I struggle with the most are the CONSTANT struggle...the every single day symptoms...the ongoing suicidal ideation.  I feel like I’ve been struggling MY WHOLE LIFE, and am still struggling. And I'm exhausted.  

I’m proud that I continue to survive and fight. Every single day is a battle, and every single day, I get up and fight it. Sometimes I feel like I'm completely alone in that battle, but at least I continue to fight it.

I found the right therapist when I finally took back my own personal power and started searching for a licensed trauma therapist.  I was picky about who I wanted to do therapy with. I found the best therapist.  She's so great, and we've made tons of progress. I encourage others to be choosy when picking their therapists.  It really can make or break the therapeutic process.

When people find out that I have BPD, they typically react negatively.  People, even my family and spouse at the time, judged me, and looked at me differently. Now I am more selective in who I tell.  

I tell people about my BPD when I trust them enough to not react negatively, or when I need to because it's pertinent to the situation. If I do tell someone, and they react negatively, or educating them does not help their negative attitude or stereotypes, then usually I decide this is not the support I need in my life.  

I don’t tell people about my BPD when I don't trust them...when I feel they're judgmental, closed-minded, or uneducated and will not understand.  I feel best when the people around me love me and accept me, and see me for who I am, darkness and all, and still accept me.

I wish that the people around me would be more educated on borderline, and other mental illness. Borderline doesn't mean we are bad people. It means we've been through a lot of sh*t in our lives, and we need love and understanding. We are some of the coolest, most genuinely compassionate, caring, intelligent and empathetic people you will ever meet in your life.  

I feel most alone when I allow my frustrations to overcome me and become cynical about the world. Society does not make BPD treatment accessible or affordable. Medication is ridiculously expensive, and harmful to the body.  I hope that one day people with BPD will be able to access treatment, and be able to speak openly without feeling so judged and shamed for what we have and continue to experience.

The most helpful people in my recovery have been people like those in this group who have been supportive, and empowered me to keep believing in myself, and not feel ashamed for what diagnosis I carry, or what I've been through.

I keep moving forward because I believe there's recovery out there.  I believe someday I can be symptom-free for the most part.  If I continue to work hard, and have access to the things I need, I can live my life and have a higher quality of life than I've ever experienced.  Then, I can share that journey with others, and give them a route to hope.

I want people who are recently diagnosed with BPD to know that… it is going to be okay. You are not broken. You are not a bad person. You are wonderful, and you may struggle.  But if you take accountability and empower yourself, then you can get through this. There is ALWAYS hope. There is always love and acceptance to be given, make sure to look for it.

I want their families to know that… they need your love, understanding and compassion. If you have questions, ask, read books, watch movies/documentaries, talk to individuals who live with BPD, and professionals. Take what you hear/read with a grain of salt, as some of it can be biased, negative, or outdated. But being educated and compassionate are the best tools one can have when supporting someone with mental illness.

In ten years from now, I expect society to view BPD as no different than other mental health diagnosis.  I hope that one day people with BPD will be able to access treatment, and be able to speak openly without feeling so judged and ashamed for what we have, and continue to experience.

JENNA S. from Queens, New York 

MY NAME IS JENNA, AND I AM 24 YEARS OLD.  I FIRST SAW A THERAPIST WHEN I STARTED CUTTING MYSELF IN TENTH GRADE. MY PARENTS SENT ME BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT I WAS NERVOUS ABOUT GOING TO SLEEP AWAY CAMP THAT SUMMER DUE TO PRIOR STRUGGLES WITH HOMESICKNESS. I SPENT MY TIME IN THERAPY TALKING ABOUT HOMESICKNESS, COMPLETELY IGNORING THE SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIORS I WAS ENGAGING IN.

Fast-forward eight years during which I was diagnosed with and treated for anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder. However, I still was not doing well. My emotions were completely unstable and one day I overdosed on medication on my way home from a therapy appointment. My therapist sent me to the hospital the next day. After 10 years of suffering, I was told I had BPD.

When I first heard the diagnosis, I knew it was right, but didn't want it to be right. My therapist didn't treat BPD patients, and I knew she would drop me. Except, I didn't expect for my therapist of five years to drop me over the phone in the hospital. That was probably the most painful part of the whole experience; my fears of abandonment coming true.   

I found a new therapist when I came home from residential treatment, and lucky for me, he was the right therapist. I was still mourning the relationship I had with my previous therapist and couldn't imagine he would help me.  But, he doesn't let me get away with my crap. His tough love attitude is exactly what I need.   

The most helpful thing for my recovery has been dialectical behavior therapy (DBT).  DBT is heavenly, and there is such a thing as recovery for BPD patients. It's a lot of work and terribly difficult, but the life I have in recovery makes it all worth it.  

I finally started feeling better when I made a conscious decision to stop using ineffective behaviors, stop feeling bad for myself, and start living my life. When I began working and doing something that gives my life meaning, my whole recovery took a turn for the better.   

The most helpful people in my recovery have been my current therapist, the director of my former day treatment program, my friends, my mom, and most of all, my boyfriend. My supporters are positive and motivational. It feels good when they acknowledge my strengths and don't harp on my weaknesses - when they love me for me, and don't get caught up with my problems. In order to keep myself in a good place, I surround myself with positive people, and stay away from those who bring me down.  

I keep moving forward because I want to live. I’m proud that I am conquering this painful disorder. I am working towards my future. I hope that one day I can go back to school and become a school social worker. I don't want any student to go under the radar the way I did throughout my childhood and adolescence.

I don’t tell people about my BPD when I fear they will judge me. To be honest, that is most of the time. I wish that the people around me would stop viewing mental health disorders as if they are contagious. You can still be my friend - I promise you won't catch my BPD.

I feel most alone when I am by myself. I crave human interaction and have a hard time being alone in general.  I want my friends to understand that I don't choose to be friends or to not be friends with them. Sometimes I isolate, but it doesn't mean I don't love them or care about them.    

Recovery is not a linear process. There are ups and downs, with some aspects being more challenging than others. The part of BPD that I struggle with the most is stabilizing my emotions. I can go from euphoria to depression in a span of two minutes, making it hard for me to regulate my emotions. I want my family to understand that I don't mean to hurt their feelings, or make life hard. For a long time I truly could not control my emotions. I am a work in progress.   

A common misconception about BPD is that there is no chance for recovery or a normal life. There is a chance. It just has to be given to us. (Go to DBT!)  I want people who are recently diagnosed with BPD to know that there is hope. You can do this. You can recover. You are already a survivor. You will survive.       

I want their families to know that the BPD diagnosis may be scary, but your loved one can get better. Take time to learn about the illness and how you can help your loved one. Learn some DBT skills, as your loved one will probably be using them in his/her recovery. If you can reinforce your loved one's successes, that is perfect.   

BPD is different than other psychiatric conditions because the recovery can take much longer and be more complicated. Many practitioners don't treat patients with BPD making it that much harder to receive treatment. Insurance barely recognized the disorder making treatment that much more expensive. It's just so hard. Have patience and advocate for yourself. You will find practitioners to help you and it is possible to fight the insurance companies to help you pay for treatment.  

Many mental health professionals don’t understand that people with BPD are not incurable. Sufferers of BPD are treatable and it only makes us feel worse when you refuse to treat us because of our diagnosis. The most difficult obstacle to my recovery (aside from the therapeutic part) has been my insurance company's lack of understanding. It would be nice to not have to pay $1500 a month for outpatient treatment.   

Ten years from now, I expect society to view BPD as a disorder that is treatable, just like any other. It's not a death sentence.  I hope that one day people with BPD will believe in themselves, stop being ashamed of their disorder, and embrace the road of recovery.   

A Mother’s Story

MY NAME IS SARAH, AND I LIVE IN NEW JERSEY.  MY DAUGHTER, K, HAS BPD.  K WAS ALWAYS EXTREMELY SENSITIVE AS A CHILD, BUT I FIGURED IT WAS HER PERSONALITY, AND DIDN'T REALLY THINK MUCH MORE THAN THAT.  

In her freshman year of high school, she had her appendix removed after going undiagnosed for about 4 weeks prior, and many doctor and ER visits.  The day she got home from the hospital, she had a psychotic reaction where she became increasingly paranoid.  She didn't know her last name and wasn't rational.   

K was hysterically screaming that someone was going to take her away from me. I finally called 911, which made the situation worse because she thought the police and paramedics were going to take her away from me.  We went back to the ER and finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, but in actuality was about 3 hours, K slowly started calming down.  I insisted she stay overnight -a few tests were run, but were all normal.  The doctors attributed the psychosis to withdrawal from Morphine.  The weeks following the surgery, K deteriorated.

I begged K’s pediatrician to help me get her into a child psychiatrist about a week before Christmas 2010.   She was not formally diagnosed with borderline personality disorder until October 2014 after a multitude of doctor, psychiatrist and therapist visits.

When I initially found out about it, I was afraid.  I had been told that I should hope that she didn't have BPD.  She was 9/9 symptoms of the DSM criteria list.  As soon as I read them, there was no doubt in my mind.  I couldn't believe that all those years of therapy with multiple therapists and psychiatrists that no one ever mentioned BPD.  I was worried about treatment options, and her future.

At first, accepting the diagnosis was very difficult.  I felt like a failure.  I had guilt because I felt as though it was my fault, and was so sad.  It was a very difficult 8-10 months or so.  

Since then, my perception of BPD has changed. I have seen the progress my daughter has made since her initial diagnosis, and I feel so much more hopeful.  She no longer cuts or says she ""feels like she is rotting from the inside out"" or ""she wants to die, but doesn't want to hurt me so she doesn't kill herself.""  I no longer worry every single day about walking through the door and finding her dead.  I know longer worry about waking up in the middle of the night to my child screaming of nightmares for weeks and when I wake her up she's horrified.

Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), along with having some structure like a job, and some medication were most helpful in her recovery.  K still struggles with many things, shame, daily life skills, spending, anxiety, relationships, and negativity; however, skills enable her to work through them. I have educated myself about BPD (and continue to do so) to support her.

Today, I feel so fortunate to have met some amazing people who have connected me to different resources, including Family Connections, which has changed my life.  I've learned so much over the past 1-1/2 years that has in turn made me a much better person.  I have been given a wonderful opportunity to make a difference in my daughter's life.  I, in turn, want to help other families the same way all these special people have empowered me.

I would like to tell other parents who have a child with BPD that there is so much hope.  It’s so important for family members to educate themselves to make life a little easier for their loved one.  Search for a DBT or treatment provider that you are comfortable with and someone that will include you in the treatment plan.

BPD has actually brought K and I closer together.  I couldn't have imagined that we could have been closer, but we are.  I have been extremely involved in K’s treatment.  I attend all psychiatrist visits with k for 1st time, and as much as she is comfortable with after that.  If there is ever an issue with a treatment provider, I always go with her to act as a support and help when needed.  I attended her first DBT appointment and had weekly communication with her therapist for the first 8+ months.

The least helpful thing in K’s recovery was the lack of insurance coverage for treatment and social support.  There is so much stigma associated with BPD, from psychiatrists, judgmental family members, friends, and ordinary people.  

Many mental health professionals misunderstand the pain that the individuals with BPD feel.  They don’t understand that everything we say and do can affect our loved ones so badly.  Words can be very invalidating to someone with BPD.  Most people could not survive a day in the life of someone with BPD.  These people are survivors!

I look at K’s illness as a gift that I have been given.  I always loved my daughter with all my heart even though there were many, many excruciatingly painful moments.  I now am able to appreciate the beautiful, creative, kind-hearted person she is more thoroughly and embrace the extraordinary person that she is.  I know it is still a daily struggle for her, and admire the courage and strength she has.  

K is an incredible person with so many wonderful qualities.  She is extremely loving artistic, creative, helpful, kind, giving, funny, hard-working, and dedicated.  I only wish she could see how beautiful inside and out she is.  Every day I look into her eyes, I see the unsurmountable beautiful person that she is.

I want to tell everyone who will listen about K and her BPD.  K is very open about her diagnosis.  I think it is important to further educate people and bring more awareness to BPD.  BPD is not an illness to be feared.  Maybe someday, we'll be fortunate enough to have DBT in schools, therefore teaching skills to all children that can only enrich their lives.   Change can happen if we keep trying!

Maria Solomon, LCSW

I HAVE BEEN WORKING, FOR MANY YEARS, WITH PATIENTS WHO HAVE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.  THESE INDIVIDUALS ARE FREQUENTLY CREATIVE, PASSIONATE, HIGHLY CALIBRATED, RESILIENT – AND BOTH LOVING AND LOVEABLE.  THEY HAVE ALSO BEEN GROSSLY MISUNDERSTOOD, DISMISSED AS HISTRIONIC AND MANIPULATIVE  - - AND SEEN BY MANY THERAPISTS AS HYPERBOLIC, HOPELESS AND UNABLE TO SUSTAIN TREATMENT.  SADLY, THE SOLUTION TO THEIR INTOLERABLE AGONY IS OFTEN SELF- MEDICATION THROUGH SUBSTANCE, EATING DISORDERS OR SELF- INJURIOUS HARM-- OR DEATH -- EITHER INTENDED OR ACCIDENTAL.

I have learned, over the years, that what lies at the center of successful treatment with them is the very quality of our presence.  We become their anchors – steady, predictable, moored -- unflappable and yet also fallible.  We are with them in a mutually committed partnership and we are not daunted or deterred by the high-risk behaviors that so often seem for them to be their only refuge  for peace.  We stand with them – and by them – in an unwavering mission to help them choose and create a life for themselves.  We teach them – through concrete skills, compassion, insight – to take the fragmented parts of themselves and their lives and put them slowly and deliberately into a cohesive whole.

It breaks my heart to hear people – both professionals and lay – talk about Borderline Personality Disorder as untreatable.  It is both inaccurate and archaic.  As a community of clinicians, family members and individuals with BPD, we bear a responsibility to dispel this myth.  It is extraordinary that Rosa Nouvini, Roya Nouvini and Paula Tusiani-Eng have turned their experience into direct action by forming Emotions Matter, Inc.  I am thrilled to be on board to help in any way I can.

Lara's Story